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Flawed

November 1, 2011

Everyone knows about

the Man in the Moon.

As a child I would

think about him

when I looked up at the sky

on beautiful clear nights.

I wondered if he had

a Lover – someone to

stay beside on long, cold nights.

If not, was he alone?

Did he look down upon us

wishing he were here?

I used to feel sad for this man.

With no one, no thing,

to call his own or to

call him their own.

He is lucky though,

I now think. He is

untouchable.

He can have no flaws,

because there is no one there

to see them.

He can have no pain,

because there is no one there

to hurt him.

I wish to be the Man in the Moon.

Because I have flaws

that I wish for no one to see.

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3 Comments
  1. jenny permalink

    hi rachel.

    i love the idea of this, and your conclusion that love and relationships leave us so vulnerable. we are required to open up, to share ourselves, in intimate relationships, but then we are tender to rejection and mockery. such a terrible catch-22, and you’ve summarized it well here, the man in the moon being such a potent image of someone eternally out of reach and therefore unassailable.

    i feel as though in this draft you’ve laid out your imagery and your idea really well; in a rewrite, i would recommend working further on the language, the way you say this, the words you choose. you could have a really fun time reworking this on the word-by-word level.

    nice work so far!

  2. Mr. Frawley permalink

    Hi Ms. Golden. I found your critique to be rather helpful in my ongoing quest to improve as a writer. You did a great job showing that you understood what I wrote and did not just skim through it. I also like how you incorporated what you felt after reading each piece into the review. You recommended that I show my personality more in these posts rather than explain factually and then give my opinion. I find this reasonable because I haven’t revealed that much about myself in these posts. I feel very inclined to my personal opinions but do you think I should support them first or just fire them out? Which would be more favorable to the reader? My work is very humorous…I don’t take life as seriously as most people do, but there is a time and place for everything. If needed I’m able to take control and do what needs to be done. By the way, I appreciate being referenced as Mr. Frawley. Very professional. Helpful review.

  3. Julie permalink

    I really enjoyed your poem. I like how you show the fragility of humans when it comes to relationships and love. The comparison of us, such meager creatures, to the moon, such a strong element of the world, is incredibly powerful. I think you could jazz up your poem if you crack open the theasarus and slash out a few words. But even before all the fancy words and edits you may make, the rough draft here is really good.

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